Or What?
I’ve dealt with other small businesses for years. I’ve also dealt with lawyers for years. I don’t complain much when service is below my standards. Maybe I should.
The idea that companies offer guaranteed services or products has been around for a long time. Guarantee’s come in many different forms. For instance:
- Our prices are lower than the other guy, GUARANTEED
- There’s no better gas, GUARANTEED
But most guarantees out there are missing a very important clause. I call it the ‘Or What?’ clause. Think about it. When was the last time you actually knew what you would get in return based upon a verbal or advertising guarantee? Whenever you hear the word ‘Guaranteed’, be sure it’s followed with ‘or…..’ If not, look elsewhere for your services.
I know by this point, you must be asking yourself, “Self, what defines a guarantee”. Well, our good friends over at WikiPedia have one of the most mind-numbing answers I’ve ever read:
The act of becoming a surety is also called a guarantee. Traditionally a guarantee was distinguished from a surety in that the surety’s liability was joint and primary with the principal, whereas the guaranty’s liability was ancillary and derivative, but many jurisdictions have abolished this distinction.
In the United States, under Article 3 of the Uniform Commercial Code, a person who signs a negotiable instrument as a surety is termed an accommodation party; such a party may be able to assert defenses to the enforcement of an instrument not available to the maker of the instrument.
Save for a few lawyers or Type-A people out there, I’m still not quite sure what a guarantee is. Let’s just say that someone (or thing) is making you a promise that their good (or service) will be what you expected it to be. If not… Or what?
Two great examples of Or What clauses come to mind. One company sells mattresses, the other is a plumber.
The mattress industry is a very shady business. You only really a mattress a few times in your life, so the average mattress customer is quite uninformed. Think about it… What do you really know about a mattress other than what you feel when you lie down? Is it soft? Does it stain easily? Will I need to flip it? All things considered, a mattress is a rather significant purchase. So, how do you choose the right dealer?
By inferring from the ads, focus groups have told mattress companies that price is the number one factor determining where customers go to find their next good night’s sleep. Therefore, a guarantee around price is the next logical step. Forget about quality, or whether or not your mattress is in stock. Give it to me cheap!
That brings me, of course (if you live in California and hear the annoying ads) to Sit N Sleep.
Really, only the last three seconds of the video matter. “We beat anybody’s prices, or your mattress is FREEEEEEEEEE!” The key word, of course, is ‘or’. Now I know what I’m getting into.
The other (locally) famous guarantee is Mike Diamond plumbing. Again, hundreds of focus groups determined that odor and punctuality are the two biggest complaints of plumbing customers. So, what did Mike Diamond do? Came up with a clever guarantee of course. “My plumber will show up on time and smell good, OR your house call is free”. Don’t believe me? See for yourself.
Another popular, but mis-placed, guarantee comes from FedEx. Do you know what happens if your package isn’t delivered on time? You get your shipping cost back. AND, you have to call and ask for it, it’s not automatic. The question to ask yourself is: Is the $20 I spent on shipping worth the $100,000 I would have made during my presentation but couldn’t because stupid fedex didn’t show up on time and now I’m screwed? In hindsight, always bring the presentation with you.
Anyhow, next time you hear the word Guarantee, be sure to ask yourself, OR WHAT?
